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SUNDAY JULY 11, 2010
No Sleep 4U
6:45am
in bed...

A chainsaw started blaring at 6:45 this morning. I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of bed and Kevin was in the kitchen. He woke not long before me, when the hammering started...before the chainsaw. We were officially over it.

Kevin got to talk to his friend Chris, someone hes known since high school. Seems not much has changed since we left St. Augustine, except that Chris told us that the great oil spill is ruining tourism on the west coast, which was drawing people to St. Augustine. More people, more money. Im hoping this will make it easier for Kevin to find an income when we return...even thought he says he wont work when we get back.

It's now around 10:30. I did the laundry and started cutting Pixies hair. Im about half way done and gave her a bath. Now Im just waiting for her to dry so I can finish. Today is dragging by. It's days like this that make it unbearable here. After all there is only so much to cook and clean or leaves to rake and burn. Both of us are now anxious to get home...only 20 days left.

6:30pm
Electricity Issues
The lights keep dimming and we thought it was from the rain. Then, I reminded Kevin about the 2nd broken post that was holding up our electricity line. So, with  machete in hand he went out to check on it. He came back and said that the line was lying on the wet ground. Good thing he went and checked it out. He went back with some rope to fix what he could. You see, this is the stuff that is wearing on us. We had just showered, wanted to smoke a little and watch a movie but.....no...
We talked about it over dinner, and came to the conclusion that it was just plain boring here, in our situation. Especially without someone here we can trust. It feels like we have become slaves to the casa and her grounds. No exploring Costa Rica or any of the other things we expected to do while here.

Now it looks like one of the thieves of Charlies stuff is moving onto the property next door. I can say this, that if the decision to leave hadn't been made yet, this would have been the deal breaker and we would want to leave for sure. He even said that he wished we could fly home this week. Just over 2 weeks left and we are going to try to make the best of it. Tomorrow I will ask Gypsy to come out for a night so we can go off and enjoy what little time we have left. Im keeping my fingers crossed.


MONDAY JULY 12, 2010

9:20am at the casa
Waiting...
Today I meet Gypsy at 1:30 to go to her doctor so I can try to conquer this anxiety I cannot shake. Kevin is, yet again, freaking out because of the new thief neighbor moving in. He is ranting that he wants to leave this week. Ben and Lori called at 6am but, I was asleep and Kevin was outside. So, the call was missed and even though we were able to get the voice mail password, we still couldn't retrieve any messages because we cant understand the Spanish speaking instructions...aarrrggghh!!!! Our calls to them are getting expensive and with no computer the cell phone is our only way to contact the outside world. We would need it to set up our plans of coming home. So, fuck it and fuck the Whitefields, we were going to run up their cell bill and wont be here to pay it. But we sure as hell weren't going to be making any calls to Ben and Lori. Oh, and Mike called, too this morning but, said he would have to call back. It seems as thought he got his ass beat up again last night but, he wants to take over our lease. Im hoping for the best on this one.


So, I sit here with wave after wave of anxiety rushing over me. Kevin wont walk me to town because he is afraid of the thief kid moving in next door. He gave in and said he would walk me to the water taxi and I was instructed to call him on my way home. Whatever...Walking the streets alone, on the other side of the harbor, where all the drug dealers and prostitutes live is more nerve wracking for me than walking Cocal. Again, his needless worries take priority over my needs. Like I said, whatever...


4:30
The Runaround
back at the casa
Ok, so, I met Gypsy. No problem. The walk to the doctors office want far and she was sweet and helpful. Now we had to walk back to town because the doctor was the opposite way from the harbor  in Boca Vieja, I needed to get my prescriptions filled. When we got the the farmacia they filled the sleep and pain medication but not the anxiety pills, they didnt have them. Plus, the pharmacist let me know that I didn't need a prescription for the medicine I bought. The doctors office charged $20.00 each for the prescriptions she wrote. So, we headed to another farmacia to hunt down the anxiety medicine and nothing. 


After a break for lunch and walking, we headed back to the doctors office to get a script for a different anxiety medicine and ask for my money back on the prescriptions she wrote that didnt need one. The doctor obliged me a refund and also gave me another prescription for the pain medicine she wrote earlier. She said the original prescription had so little codeine in it  and thats why there was no Rx needed. Instead she gave me percoset, a stronger pain medication. 


Back to town we went and I filled the lexotan script for anxiety but not the percoset...it alone was $120.00 and I just didn't have the money to spend. I planned on returning the pain medicine I bought earlier because I knew it wouldn't help and I needed the extra money. I have to wait a day because they couldn't process a credit to my debit card until then. So it looks like I will be walking back to town tomorrow.


I called Kevin to let him know I was on my way back but, got no answer. Gypsy and I said our good byes, I thanked her for her help and headed home. I found Kevin walking to find me, about 1/4 of the way up Cocal. He told me Mike has a Swiss couple who are interested in renting the casa for 6 months and giving us the $900.00 for the months we pre-paid for. They may be coming out tomorrow, I hope so.


Kevin really wants to leave and the extra money helps but, so does time to prepare...meaning getting something set up at home. This fucking computer thing is really stifling our ability to communicate with home. Thats all I need is CraigsList and Skype. So, I guess its back to the scamming, email hacking internet cafe for me! After already having an email hacked though one of the internet cafes, this makes me nervous. Plus, Kevin in his never ending frustration says he doesn't want to go to town. Im hoping he means mid-day and the heat it brings, like Gypsy and I did today. He doesn't like going to town late in the day. Early is good by me because we are 2 hours behind Florida and I can still make phone calls.


I finally got the lady from Stone Cove on the phone. She said she would email me an application but, there were no studios available and $700.00 per month for a small 1 bedroom seemed a little steep. So, I called Cyndi to see if I could enlist her help on finding anything...a weekly rental, sublet or just a good deal. I might ask Christine if she could help too. But, I still got to go to that damn internet cafe. Hopefully, tomorrow Kevin will make a morning run with me to do that. Plus, I wanted return that prescription.


TUESDAY JULY 13, 2010
8:30 am
WTF ?!?!
This morning we decided to go to town. On the walk there the rain stated and so did Kevin. He relentlessly pummeled me with cruel remarks, yet again. I did nothing to prompt this verbal assault. Then, after we got off the water taxi, he admitted that he was mad because of his hat! He didn't want it ruined because of the rain. This is the flat out bullshit I cannot handle...constantly being berated because of the stupidest of things, that I have nothing to do with.


While in town we met took care of my Rx and hit the internet cafe. After talking with some friends via email and Skype, I decided to place an ad on CraigsList to try to find someone to also met sublet the casa. We also met up with the Swiss couple Mike told us about and walked them back to the casa with us. We knew immediately that it was a no go, you could just see it in her face. Cocal isn't for the faint of heart.


Before falling asleep, I thought of all the barbs Kevin threw at me throughout the day. I just don't think we should stay together when we get home. But, I must keep it to myself. If I say anything about it I know it will start another huge fight. So, I keep my mouth shut and wait to see what happens.


WEDNESDAY JULY 14, 2010
6:30 am
Horrible Nightmares
This morning I woke up in a complete panic. I rarely dream or at least remember them. I was distraught because in my dream I thought my Mom died in a car accident but, as it turned out she was fine. Still, the minute I woke I wanted to do nothing but cry and just be home. I want a new life when I get home. 2 weeks left... Probably 2 weeks of hell, I have to look forward to, that will completely tear us apart. Kevin closes himself off and displaces his feelings of anger and frustration on me. All these things I have dealt with for 6 years... along with no affection. These are things I cannot deal with for much longer. 

For now, I sit alone on the porch drinking coffee and hoping for a peaceful day. Only 2 weeks till Im home. If I think about it, Kevin has been the root of all my anxiety here. His mood swings, boredom, lack of wanting to work...all reasons why I believe I could have made it here with a different partner and why I don't want one, in him, when I return.


8:45am
Ricky Stops By...
We had given Ricky all the material from Andy's structure so that he could better his home. He came by to borrow tools and for Kevin's help...which I am glad for. Since he woke he has barley said 2 words to me. So, him having something to distract him was good. I can see the next 2 weeks are going to be hell.


After they left I got the computer working long enough to call my Mom on Skype. I had to because of the dream I had. I told her about life here and that we were coming home. As always, the good phone Mom she is, told me she understood and that she loves me.


10am
Rickys Kids
at the casa
I was out on the porch talking on the phone with someone who saw my ad to sublet the casa. It sounded promising but, you know how people are... 


Then, there were Ricky's kids, on the other side if the fence, asking to come to the house. I figured since Kevin and Ricky were working on Rickys house, they sent them down and I let them play on the porch and use the bathroom. This is a big thing for them because they use an outhouse. The girls then decided they wanted their hair done and to wear my old sunglasses. Typical kid things, they just wanted to play.


When Ricky and Kevin came back, Ricky sent his kids home. Well, Kevin threw a fit because the kids were in the house. Yelling that I have no common sense while throwing things around the kitchen. LOVELY! I don't see what was so wrong, as the kids hurt nothing. I went to read and he came in to ask if I wanted to smoke something. So, I did. I went back to my reading and Kevin tried calling some of his friends in Jacksonville. Then, Maria and her friend came back because they had already broke one of the sunglasses I had given them. I think they expected me to give them another pair but, I told them there was nothing I could do. I gave them a glass of water and sent them on their way.


I knew this set Kevin off again. I sat down to hear that I have no common sense, we had nothing in common and that I was boring to him. I am trying so hard to keep the peace with him only to hear how he wants to kill me...

THURSDAY JULY 15, 2010
10am
Off To The National Park
After being told how boring I am, I called Gypsy to come stay with the poodle while we went off for the day. Today we are finally going to Manuel Antonio National Park. I know doing these things keeps the beast at bay and helps keep the peace between us.


We grabbed a taxi from downtown Quepos and rode to Manuel Antonio. We walked the trails and climbed the mountains. Yes, I climbed a mountain! to see the beautiful views. These were more of what you would expect of the views in Costa Rica. We found monkeys, iguanas and a sloth. We had a great time together and had to rely on each other to get up and down the mountain. When we were done at the park we stopped for lunch. We walked the park entrance road down to the beach and main road. While we ate we watched beginner surfers on their rented boards trying to figure out how to surf. This area was more of what we expected our place in Costa Rica to be like. Unfortunately, Cocal, and our expectations were the exact opposite. On the taxi ride back to Quepos, we had the driver stop at a roadside market so we could check it out. Then, got dropped off in downtown Quepos where we bought a dvd to watch tonight.


When we got back to the casa, all was well. Then, Gypsy mentioned something about exit papers for Pixie. Shit! We didn't even think about that but, she said she thought the vet in Quepos could do it for us, saving is the 3 hour bus ride to San Jose to get them. Let's hope so.


FRIDAY JULY 16, 2010
10am at the casa
Another Day
I am beginning to realize, for good or bad, Kevin and I need each other right now. Trying to rely on friends back home living with just as much stress was not the way to go. I understand his stress but, not his reactions. Like Laura said, maybe once we get home, hopefully, everything will settle down. Without a place to go when we get home, it looks like I am going to have to rely on Kevin and his friends to get through the transition...and thats OK. Let him, for once let him take control, maybe thats what we both need. But, believe me, there is still a big part of me that questions these sensibilities. As I keep telling myself...time will tell all.


2:27pm
Bored!
It has been raining off and on for the past 3 days. Today with nothing to do but listen to the new 'house' being built next door, the reality of, not only the isolation of this place but, much more the boredom set in. 2 weeks until we fly home and start yet another adventure...I hope we stay sane in the meantime.


I've said this place is like an alternate reality - everything you think it is, is actually a 180 from that. I feel out of balance...and when Kevin crack under the pressure of this place, its just not a healthy thing. Cyndi always says,'live with it and love it. live with it and hate it, or just leave it'. So, we are going to leave this place, together. Gypsy told me not to let this place tear us apart and it is probably too late for that but, for the next few weeks Im still going to try.


Oh, and its raining...again. I have come to realize I need more stimulation in my life. More importantly, I have come to realize the ultra-high level of stimulation Kevin needs to survive...like an adrenaline junkie. Im not like that. This place wouldn't be so boring if it could stimulate us. It has drained us instead of giving us life. Even the peaceful feelings have vanished. With all the new neighbors and construction the quiet has been shattered. Now it just feels like we are waiting...and thats worse. I've already begun 'mock packing' so I can figure out what I will be leaving behind. We lost one bag on the trip over so luggage is short. I might be checking a small duffel bag of clothes but, that's such a waste of money. This place is even taking from me on the way out the door. I think that's another thing I see here and don't like. The constant observation of of everyone on the take...even the kids. You give and they want more. It must be a global thing, I swore I was leaving that mentality behind in the states. See, there it is again...the 180 factor.


I have one book left to read. If I wanted to I could shut out the world for one day and read the whole thing. I have a few to take to the book store for credit so, I will do that this week. Hopefully, we go to town tomorrow. It will kill a few hours and give us a break from listening to the construction.


Did I ever mention how everything we brought here is being eaten up by mold? This makes the load home a little lighter, I guess.


SATURDAY JULY 17, 2010
Blah, Blah, Blah...
We went to town early today. I couldn't sleep and Kevin couldn't stay asleep. So, I got up early, did laundry and had my coffee. Then, off to town we went. It was a dreary walk, another day of clouds and rain. We did what we had to do after a stop for breakfast. 


When we got home, Kevin went surfing and I made a quick call to Cyndi. She gave me a new perspective on my time here. Im just a fish out of water but, believe me, Im just glad Im dont feel like drowning under the American life stresses. After our talk, I headed to the beach to watch him surf, for lack of anything better to do.

We tried to plan our last days here in order to keep some of the relocating stresses at bay. There was a little hope in his eyes when hes said he has none when he asked me to help him get his GED so he could enlist in the Army...and he wants to marry me if he does so I get  all the benefits. Ive heard this all before. Its just his way of saying what he thinks I want to hear. So, I just went along with it to try to keep the calm around for as long as I could before we leave. 


SUNDAY JULY 18, 2010
12:30
Time Creeps By...
I woke at 7 this morning, earlier actually. I tried to sleep as long as I could so the day wouldn't seem so long. No such luck. The guy next door probably started hammering by 6am. I got up, did laundry, raked and burned leaves, made breakfast, made lunch, took a shower and bathed poodle all before noon. Really? Yes really. 


At around 12:15 we hear people calling us. Its the Swiss couple from the bakery with a guy. They brought a friend out who was interested in renting the place. I showed him around...and that killed anther 10 minutes!

Time is crawling by. We are trying to watch 'Clash of the Titans', just to pass the time. At least tomorrow we take Pixie to the townnatn12:30 to see the vet. She is also getting her teeth cleaned, along with giving me her exit papers back to the U.S. That will kill time. As things done mid-day usually do. If I was one of those people who could easliy sleep or nap, I would be trying to sleep the days away.