Here We Go!

THURSDAY JULY 8,2010
8:30 pm
Today was yet another roller coaster ride. At this point I cannot even remember what set it off this morning. Oh yeah, I answered a question too vaguely. Vague answers, for me avoid a confrontation but, not today. Even this was a problem.Instead of saying "hey come to the beach while I surf and take some pictures"...no, I instead I gwt wrath. I just cant take it. Now trying to not cause a problem, causes a problem.

I couldn't get into my Skype account because I couldn't remember the password. I knew this would piss him off so, I tried to avoid the subject-no deal. To try and make the best of it, I grabbed my camera and went to the beach. Shortly after, he came down with his surfboard, cursing me the whole way to the water. Still trying to make the best of it, I stayed and took surf pics.

Just as he caught his last wave, the camera battery went dead...good timing. We went back to the house and Ricardo was still there removing tree limbs from the yard. This was another issue because he showed up while we were on the beach earlier - before the drama du jour began. The plan was that we would clear the rest of the limbs sometime that day but, Ricardo was looking for drink money. We also wanted to go to town but, now with someone in the yard that was put on hold. Shortly after our return, luckily, he was done. Kevin gave him 700 colones and sent him on his way.


So, with Ricardo finished we went to town and had lunch. Then, stopped by the travel agent trying to find a cheaper to our visa run. You see, this morning my computer was melting down bad. I knew it would be unuseable soon. The trip to town was a good distraction, or so I thought. We went by the video store and picked up a couple more bootleg movies and stopped and had a few cocktails before we headed home.


When we arrived home, Domingo was suppose to get wood for fire from the yard. Yesterday he helped trim the tree and we told him he could take firewood. Earlier, on our way out the door to town, he stopped by to let us know he would be by after 3. This was fine with us  but, as suspected, he waited till we got home. So, he and Kevin hauled the wood across the street while I fixed the broken extension cord.


During this time a girl called and asked if she and her husband could camp for the night. I let them know the good and the bad about staying and she said she would call back.

Once everyone was gone, the realization that the computer monitor died was realized. We needed to get online ti get the voice mail password Lori had sent us last week. With a black screen this was now impossible. There was a voice mail that seemed to be from the couple that called so, I just called them back. They wanted to stay but, wouldn't be to Quepos until after 9pm. I told them we dont go to town that late and needed to talk to Kevin. Seems her husband had a work thing and they were heading down after. Well, Kevin wasn't hearing that and I was told 'to fuck those people' and not to call them back. NICE.


I went outside and found Tavo wrapped around the table with his leash, unable to move. I was talking to the dog telling him how dumb he can be. Kevin, overhearing this, flips out saying that I was complaining about something again. Hello? If memory serves, the day was full of his bitching and complaints of how inadequate I am in his eyes. WTF? I was just talking about to the dog!!!!


Once again, I am at the end of my rope here. I cannot take his mood swings and how he blames me for everything. Im sick of  losing money here because now I have no computer. If we stay I would have to buy a new one. Plus, this trip for the visa run and the changing of the plane tickets was going to cost me over $1000.00. Another 3 months of this bullshit, I don't know if this is what I want.


Then, needling me with questions, I finally told him we should leave at the end of the month.Pushing even harder, he got his words shoved back in his face - that once we left here we should probably separate. After all, it was easier for one person to find a place to stay with friends than 2...and he knew it. 

After a few minutes of conversation I went into the bedroom to read, with Pixie curled up on my neck. I was full of nervous energy so I got up and hand write my journal. This lasted all of 5 minutes before Kevin was up trowing things around the house telling me to leave tonight. So, I took the phone and went on the porch to call Gypsy for a place to stay tomorrow. Well, he proceeded to lock me out of the house screaming for me to get the fuck out and to leave right now. He finally let me in because he wanted to talk. (I walked in to find everything the Whitfields left in 4 tote tubs strewn all over the house, for me to clean up!!!!!!!!) About what?!? About how tomorrow I was going to be without a computer and water. I simply told him that I am fine and most mornings I have lived without both - that it was his attitude that affected me negatively day after day. All he could say is that he was here to do things with me no matter what it was - fine, I've heard it all before. Nothing ever changes. For now, Im just tired, with a beer and 2 anxiety pills in me. 

Oh, by the way, I have a date with Gypsy on Monday to go to her doctor to see about something that can even me out. The panic attacks Im having are the worst I've ever had. I already know that unless the person Im around is stable, nothing will ever truly help. I probably could live here easier, if that were the case...I  had told him this earlier. Nothing anyone wants to hear but, the truth all the same. This girl needs real love, attention and affection. I just plain dont get this from him.


Tomorrow I will do my best, as always, to keep the peace but, the 90 day visa issue Im really going to have to think about.


FRIDAY JULY 9, 2010
THROWING IN THE TOWEL
all day at the casa


This morning we woke to no running water and the realization that the electricity to the house has no ground wire is what fried my computer. I just cant take it anymore. Although Kevin has an aversion to going back to St. Augustine Beach, there is no where else to go with people we can rely on. At least in St. Augustine Beach we have a few friends to help us get on our feet. Plus, knowing the lay of the land helps us find a place through CraigsList.

We went to town for something to do, just have some lunch. As always, the trip to town was a good change of pace and lets the stress subside some...but not my panic attacks. I cant wait till Monday to see the doctor because my nerves are a wreck. Am I that spoiled that I cannot take living here? Probably not. Its more the company I have and the clear picture of the future and knowing it wont get any better with Kevin...or the water. LOL Once he admitted he liked it here but couldn't handle the stress it brought him, I was somewhat relieved. As the day passed more anxiety subsided. Now the challenge was to find a place to stay in the states.


Around dinner time Ricky proceeded to cut down the tree they had just topped yesterday. So, after a few hours of listening to a chainsaw we finally had enough peas to sit on the porch and indulge in a few rum drinks. We talked about our stop at the bakery while we were in town. We offered Mike the house and explained that we would like to recoup some of the 9 months rent I will lose by leaving. He understood and although he didnt want to live on Cocal any longer, he wold do his best to find someone to sublet to. If not, we would have to ask Ricky to care for Tavo and Nalu.


Kevin also called Alvin today. He was in San Jose today until Monday and said he would help in any way he could. This was a good thing because we were going to have try to sell some of the things we came with, just to lighten our load. Yeah, we will be going home with less than we came with...and to me that's real sad because I have lost so much, on so many levels already this year......


SATURDAY JULY 1O, 2010
ON THE HUNT
11 am at the casa


Today Kevin went to the mountains with Ricky and Domingo to hunt. He woke at 4am and Im not sure when or what time they will be back. I spent a lot of time trying to get a hold of the people at Stone Cove apartments in St. Augustine Beach. They are running a move in special of $399.00 to move in. They have studio apartments that run about $500.00 a month, we had looked at them when we moved back from Anna Maria Island so, we know waht they look like, it was a start. Unfortunately, no one answered the phone there but, luckily Cyndi she would help if she could.


I sit here alone and wonder...it seems Kevin would be happy here outside of the daily stresses which, the littlest thing he blows up in to a catastrophe. I know there is stress everywhere but, when your feelings of isolation compound an already unstable mind in Kevin, it makes living a simple life unbearable. Not to mention our struggle to communicate. I wish he could be happy here and not have it drain what little resources I have. If I could get an apartment in Stone Cove I would be happy. I would be content with riding a bicycle around town. After all, I do nothing but walk everywhere here and a bicycle would be a welcome change. Im sure Kevin will want more than his motorcycle for transportation so we can leave the island and do things. But, after living this life, a bicycle and all that St. Augustine Beach has will be more than enough for me for a while...just so long as Kevin stops the way he acts and treats me.


12 NOON
The guys came back with a wild boar. Ricky skinned and quartered the beast and ate lunch. After we smoked a little then another problem arose. It seems that one of the posts Ben used to run his power line has been eaten through by ants. GREAT! Now, Kevin and Ricky are fixing yet another problem left by the Whitefields.


Which brings me to my latest realization...Since the neighbors took down our huge shade tree, the house is even hotter than ever. We just wanted it trimmed, which we did, not cut all the way down. Now Im sweltering in an already warm house in the middle of the Costa Rican winter. Does the bullshit here ever end?!?!


NOW IT RAINS
4pm
Im laying on the bed watching the rain and it hit me. It's almost like if there were less people around us (living with multiple families in small shacks right on our property line) it all could be tolerated a bit better.


Kevin now looks forward to A/C and computer games, since the decision to move home has been made. Me? I know a certain part of me will miss the solitude of living this simple life. After all I've been through here, I may have a hard time dealing with my closest friends mundane problems. But, at least at home there us someone to call, here there is no one. Plus, I have learned to live with less, and not being able to do that (for people like Kevin)makes all the problems in the world. People really dont need more, they need less. Casa de Rasta has been like a mirror image of what we expected. If you think its one way, or at least should be...the reality is a 180.

So, it seems my laptop has finally gone to sleep. It won't power up and Kevin is looking at it now. Shit, some computer was better than NO computer....fuck!